My First Camera
Published on 26 Jun 2008 at 12:16 pm.
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Filed under Remembrance.
I was a kid of about 7 or 8 years of age. I clearly remember presenting an advertisement for an inexpensive camera to my mother as she finished up washing the dishes. I wasn’t worried about putting it in her wet hands because the red ink on white paper was protected by a waxy coating — you see, I found the ad in a Sugar Daddy, and the prospect of a Real Camera seemed greater that the gooey caramel that I had just devoured.
We ordered it. It came! We went & got film.
Now I know that it was lucky that this plastic, glorified pinhole camera worked at all. Then, it was the best thing, and I knew that it would be great. I was ready to start taking pictures, and tomorrow would be the day.
It snowed. No school! Snow all morning and into the afternoon. Mom and Kim, my sister, go into the front yard to build a snowman. During the building of it, the sculpture changes into a kneeling horse, which I photograph. I shoot many other things that day, but this is the one I still remember at age 48.
That is what memories look like.
There is a story I wrote about this topic when I was in college. Click! - I’ll have to find it and post it here.
Get rid of Negative thoughts
Published on 29 Feb 2008 at 12:56 am.
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Filed under General.
It is too easy to get into a negative mindset which invariably leads to unhappiness and depression. To avoid being overwhelmed by negativity we need to make a conscious effort to avoid the experience. When life seems like a perpetual dark tunnel these are some suggestions to change your outlook on life.
Don’t Cherish Destructive Thoughts.
Often we don’t realise how much we subconsciously cherish negative thoughts. It may seem counter intuitive, but often a negative frame of mind occurs because we won’t let go of the negative thoughts and ideas. Sometimes the mind clings on to these thoughts with a feeling of self pity or injured pride. We don’t like the negative frame of mind, but at the same time are we consciously trying to overcome it? The problem is that if the negative thoughts go round and round in our mind they can become powerful and we lose a sense of perspective. Just make a conscious decision to ignore the negative flow of thoughts and sentiments and be persistent in these attempts.
Do You want to be Happy or Miserable?
We should feel a negative mindset is a choice. If we feel a victim to our own emotions and thoughts, nobody else will be able to help us. We should feel that by holding on to a negative frame of mind, we are inevitably choosing to be unhappy; each negative is a conscious decision to be miserable. If we really value the importance of our own inner peace and happiness, we will aspire to cultivate this through good, uplifting thoughts. Next time you feel the onset of a depressed state of mind, just ask yourself the question: Do I want to be happy or Miserable?
Spend Time With Positive People
The best antidote to negativity is simply to spend time doing positive, uplifting activities. Sometimes if we analyse and examine our own negativity it does nothing to reduce it. By engaging in useful fun activities, we forget about the reasons for our negativity; this is often the most powerful way to overcome a depressed state of mind.
Don’t Accept Negativity from Other People
We live in a world where there are no shortage of pessimists, critics and doomongers. There will always be people who can find the negative in life; but, there is no reason why we have to ascribe to their world view. For example, often in an office environment there is a negative attitude to the workplace, but, even if there are faults and limitations we don’t have to allow them to make us a negative person.
Let Go of Thoughts
If you can learn to control your thoughts, you can control the experience and emotions of life. The best antidote to negativity is learning the art of meditation. Meditation is more than just relaxation; it is a change in consciousness. We move from the limited perspective of our mind and discover an inner source of happiness.
Live in the Heart
The nature of the mind is to be suspicious and critical. If someone does 99 good things and 1 bad thing, the mind will invariably remember the bad thing. If we allow ourselves to be drawn into highlighting the mistakes of others we will invite a negative mindset. However, if we live in the heart we are not drawn to the faults of others (even if they are insignificant). It is in the heart that we can have a true sense of oneness with others, their faults seem insignificance and we can feel a sense of identity with the achievements of others.
Don’t Sit Around Doing Nothing
The worst thing for a negative frame of mind is to mope around feeling sorry for ourselves. Ruminating on our bad luck / worries / fears will not diminish them in any way. Exercise can be a powerful way to bring about a new consciousness. Negativity is often associated with boredom and lack of purpose. Stop endlessly checking emails and surfing web, look for something good to do.
Force Yourself to Think of 3 Positive Thoughts.
If you are feeling really miserable and have a low sense of self esteem, try thinking of 3 good things that you have done. At time our own mind can be our worst enemy and very self critical. It is important not to lose a sense of balance; for the various bad things we have done, we have also done some good things.
Don’t Think Anything You Wouldn’t Say in Front of People
We often think things we would never say in front of people. If you are annoyed, disappointed with someone else, imagine what you would say to them in person. Sometimes when we are with people we are forced to behave; even if we are not particularly sincere the effort to avoid negativity can help us to overcome our bad mood.
From here.
Cooking Snarkiness
Published on 21 Dec 2005 at 7:59 pm.
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Filed under Sad Truth.
Hey- a pattern has emerged; every time I make dinner, Rosary starts a fight.
Sprinkle my Ashes at Hicks, Please
Published on 2 Oct 2005 at 3:06 pm.
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Filed under How I feel NOW.
Dear Ceri & Alec,
I would have loved to have known you better. It didn’t go well for me and your Mom. My life has been sort of a living hell since. While we have had some fine moments since, I have been alone. Now that I have gotten with Rosary, well, it just accentuates the pain I have where a family should have been.
I have been rather alone almost my whole life, with stints of not knowing how to be with people. No one to look up to, no one to guide, of use to no one, my help rejected at every turn. I am going to die soon of all of this. It might be later, but I kind of hope it is sooner.
My life’s most cherished times have been with you and the apples. Old Songs was good, too. Please put my ashes at Hicks, and if you can stand to drag it out, some at Old Songs, too. OK?
Love,
Dad
I’m right: you’re wrong.
Published on 30 Apr 2005 at 11:34 am.
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Filed under Sad events, Sad Truth.
And what’s more, you think you’re right. Well, we can’t both be right, and since I know I am. . . right, that is– then it is plainly self-evident that your wrongness is blatantly making my rightnesses even more right, boldly so, even in the face of your misguided attempt to be right, given that you hardly ever are, and added to that is the fact that your data is not drawn from observation, but rather from the hordes and legions of the perpetually stupid, arrogant and evil personages who rely on the sham artifice of the apparency of knowing what the hell they are talking about, but don’t.
Even your miserable wrongness is borrowed.
I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
Service facsimilies are a bitch, and when yours flare, then mine are not far behind. Or was it vice versa?
We had a fight over stupid shit. Actual content deleted because I’ve already forgotten what it is– that, and it doesn’t matter. What matters is the distance it created and how I’m now alone. (You, too.)
Love & Betrayal
Published on 19 Apr 2005 at 12:19 pm.
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Filed under Sad Truth.
I had a cognition today that I don’t know what to do with. Everything, and I mean by that, everything that I have done since the breakup between my ex and I has been an attempt to assert that I do not love her.
All of these actions or lack-of-actions have backfired on me and shrunken me as a being. In short, these things are killing me. I will not, and cannot, and refuse to even think about going back to her.
What the hell to do? A psych might tell me to “go through the grieving process”. The bitch herself would tell me to count my blessings. My advice to someone in my position would be “get processing and deal with your service facsimiles.”
When she left, I was so sick of crying. Waking up in grief, falling asleep from grief. When I wasn’t actually weeping, my heart, the actual organ in my chest, would skip beats and palpitate whenever I would think about the fact that she was gone, and with her, my family. Again.
This went on for years. I figured that I had to learn to stop loving her. Oh, there were things I didn’t love about her: things about her communication, or lacks thereof. Lots of other things, too. These were not things I forgot, or couldn’t concentrate on, but, rather, things that paled against the missing positives. I loved her.
I was hysterical on the altar during the wedding, because I feared she would hurt me. I knew I was taking the risk of a lifetime. I said “I do” despite that knowingness. I drugged the night away, our wedding night! I tried to escape that truth- the one I knew & feared. I tried to convince myself that it was just another night. I loved her, and I knew she would hurt me because of that. To love is to be defenseless.
Today, I try to defend myself by trying to hate her. And, if I can’t actually muster hate, then I certainly do everything that someone who hates someone-who-was-an-ex-lover would do. I certainly am doing everything that definition says. Oh boy. I haven’t moved on with my life at all.
What’s worse, I am involving someone else in the dilemma: my current girlfriend. I love her, too, and she deserves more from me. I am manufacturing failure as the result of what has come before. That’s not fair to her.
Should I leave her, for her own good? Or should I hurry and try to fix me? I have failed at that for almost 10 years.
What to do?
I don’t know my own son’s birthday
Published on 6 Apr 2005 at 12:01 pm.
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Filed under Sad events.
The title says it all. I thought it was today.
Things like this fill me with the bitter anguish of the American divorced male. Oh, how I tried to make him a part of my life.
It isn’t a 2 way street with kids. The giving is one way. I know that. But.
The missed Father’s days, birthdays, Christmases, and every other day take their toll.
On our relationship: toll taken.
On my heart: toll taken.
On our future: toll taken daily.
I take solace in the fact that the bitch will die. Before that, the kids will move away, and will be happy to do so. This will drive her all-the-way nuts.
Google Maps
Published on 5 Apr 2005 at 11:26 am.
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Filed under How I feel NOW.
I went to the new Google Maps site, where you can fly around with satellite imagery.
Of course, I found where I live first. Then, I found where I used to live: the house I used to “own”: the marriage house I couldn’t bear to stay in for the ghosts of the past.
Then, I flew over to where my kids live now.
I am like a hungry ghost haunting the past. These specks on the satellite photos are so insignificant.
But not to me.
Whore?
Published on 4 Apr 2005 at 12:48 am.
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Filed under Sad events.
Lost the whole goddamn post because she walked in at 1:45 am while I am typing about her. Fuck. I remembered the title, though.
Goodbye, your Holiness.
Published on 3 Apr 2005 at 12:17 am.
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Filed under Sad events.
A good man has died.
I wept.
I expected it for weeks. Still, the moment was a shock- a loss.
I am not Catholic. He just had the qualities I’ve always wanted in a father. Gentle. Strong in his weakness. Strong in his faith. A quiet leader.
I have been thiking in the weeks leading up to this that his passing is a harbinger of Bad Times coming. I still think so, but I hope not.
My girl & I walked tonight in the rain.
I miss my grandfather, who died when I was 5.
I would like to have known you, sirs.